A Night at the Monastery

Last night was my first time "alone" at the Monastery. For those who haven't been there, the Monastery sits atop a remote canyon cliff in Utah, accessible only by dirt roads and miles away from the nearest neighbors. Think: you can scream at the top of your lungs and no will hear you. A perfect backdrop for someone who believes that having another body or bodies around is safer than a body being by itself, and someone who might be ready to question that belief (or die trying).

This physical description of the Monastery is actually in sharp contrast to what I've experienced here the last week. A recognition that the Spirit's way is gentle, supportive and ever opening me to the true reality that there is no inside or outside of me; that I AM all there ever was and all there ever is. If in doubt, the evidence the Mind is waking up is everywhere: these awesome Mighty Companions around me, these amazing places where we gather and the abundance of miracles we experience and share. There's also a keen awareness of ego backlash; going from suspicious to vicious as we draw closer to the light; and stopping at nothing to try to get us to turn back -  even if it means resorting to childish scare tactics.

Looking back, I'm stunned at how the belief that other bodies can protect me has ruled my life. I've never lived alone for long, and if I did, it was always in places where "others" were nearby. I would say that I wanted a hermitage (extended time in solitude), but always some "excuse" would come along so it didn't happen: a project that needed to get finished, someone else would end up coming along, a "better" opportunity would present itself. As a lifelong pattern, I get into relationships just so the body wouldn't be alone and stay in relationships that were over (even if just in mind) so the body wouldn't be alone.

So last night it was time to square off with whatever I was avoiding. Distractions minimized - no sweets in the kitchen, TV not working right, Internet too slow. A perfect opportunity to meditate. Ahhhhh ... silence ... a twig cracks on the ground outside the window, the wind picks up, the trees start rustling, the metal gate to the property creaks open and closed. I lock the door, shut the curtains. Pseudo security. I can feel the fear wanting to take the wheel, trying to make itself real. I shut my eyes again, feel the fear thoughts crowding in, take some deep breaths and call upon Spirit for help. Immediately I feel a sense of comfort and security. I'm reminded that these are just thoughts, these thoughts are not real and there's nobody out there. Past and future drift away and I relax into the present moment.

I slept peacefully, but like a cat most of the night - one eye open. A wind gust blows open the door at some point and I shut it. Seems I had the fear monster under control until the wee hours of the morning when I was startled awake by a blaring fire alarm sound (later discovered to be a rogue smoke detector). The undercurrent of fear that I had managed most of the night and that once directed the current of my life is now a full blown flash flood. The heart racing, adrenalin rushing through the bloodstream, waves of fear clouding the senses, body shaking. No body to "protect" me. It's just me and my mind now. Amid the full-on fear sensations, I shut my eyes and try to stay with the feelings rather than distract away. A memory comes back of when I lived on a farm (also in the boonies) as a child and my older brothers were babysitting for the night. They'd tell me a man with no head lived in the potato cellar near our house so I wouldn't go outside at night. They'd pull their shirts over their heads and peek through the windows it really looked like a man with no head. So I believed them. And this morning, I realize that I still believe them.

My night-at-the-Monastery experience was a spirit-given opportunity to face the boogey-man "head on." Today he's been brought to the light and seen as not real. The intellectual knowing that there is no such thing as a man with no head has actually been a cloaking device to keep this latent fear at bay and to not question the belief I need other bodies around. So long as I think I am a body and that I need others around me for my safety and security, I will compromise, people please, and project onto them the reasons why I can't awaken from a nightmare. But I know in my heart that it's my desire for the true, eternal experience of love above all else that's pushing through these primordial desires and fears that have kept the world and all its underpinnings in place. So today I'm actually grateful that the man with no head paid a visit so I could expose this wacky unconcious belief I had no idea was still running in the mind. This willingness ask Spirit to help us see the false as false - over and over again -  is all that's needed for the mind to heal and to sink ever deeper into the peace, happiness and joy that is our True Inheritance.